Monday, February 25, 2013

Meet The Reckless Hookers

As another season arrives, what has become an annual tradition takes place.  Welcome to the 2013 season of Kayak Wars.  I have had the pleasure to be on some fun teams but this year is going to take the top prize for epicness.  With that being said, it is time to meet the team and find out what is going to make us a force to be reckon with.  
Disclaimer:  The following information might not be the WHOLE truth, if the truth at all.  As a matter of fact, the truth, although fun, is not quite as fun as this. 

The introductions are in no particular order of greatness.

Thomas "Tommyknuckles" Dewitt.

What can I say about Tommy?  Well for starters, he is one sick "Bass"tard.  Tommy dosent know how to fish in the salt, so he sticks to freshwater where he is a mediocre fisherman at best.  Tommy's hobbies include going to the gym (and posting it on Facebook to remind everyone how worthless they really are compared to him), giving Marines shots for no good reason, punching bores, and bailing out on his teammates when it comes time to fish.  His only endearing quality is the fact that he has a keg-o-rator (or at least thats what he tells us since none of us have yet to see it).  To get into his head a bit more, I decided to interview him "Milkcrate" style.

Me: So Tommy, what is your dream pet?
Tommy: Thats a tough one.  Id have to say a goat.
Me:  Ok, enough said.

Me: Tommy, why did you join "The Reckless Hookers"?
Tommy: I did it because I enjoy being in the company of greatness.

Me:  Have you ever caught any of the "summer" species at the CBBT?
Tommy:  Well...

Me: I have heard that you are an accomplished Striper fisherman.  Tell me about that.
Tommy:  Well...

As you can see, Tommyknuckles is a very diverse fisherman that can add a lot to the team.  This is his first year on the team, and im sure that we are going to regret it!

Alex "Top Hooker" Britland

Alex is like a preppie version of Willie Robertson, however, he cant shoot, blow a duck call, and dosent own an ounce of camo.  He is a great fisherman that never brings his own tackle.  If you want him to catch fish, just let him choose a lure that you only have one of, and that is all the fish will hit on. Ask for that lure back, and all of the sudden his hearing goes out on him.  Also, he always manages to loose said lure (which is normally a hard to come by Mirrorlure, or custom bait) right before the day ends.  If he dosent loose it, he just one give it back.  Alex grows his beard to hide the fact that he knows nothing of the outdoors.  

Me: Alex, what is your claim to fame?
Alex: The fact that I can fish, dance, and the Cougars love me!

Me: Do you own a car?
Alex: No, I just have Seth drive me to all of YOUR best fishing spots.

Me: Do you own any fishing tackle?
Alex: Yeah, all of the stuff I've mooched off you during my saltwater trips.
Me: By the way, I want that tackle back.
Alex: What tackle?  

Alex is also a new addition to the team.  Im sure that he'll put up points as long as he dosent bring his own tackle with him when we go fish together.

Seth "BowedUp804" aka "The Bearded A$$hole" aka "The Rhinestone Cowboy" Goodrich

From the moment I met Seth, I knew I wanted to fish with him.  He's such a poor fisherman, my half-assed skills were sure to stand out.  He's like the ugly chick that hangs around a crowd of hotties.  He never finds his own spots, and gets angry when he cant catch his own fish.  He has even resorted to breaking other peoples rods when he dosent catch fish.  Luckily, he's Alex's ride, so I'm not the only one who looses tackle when Alex fishes.  To top it all off, he will cast in your spots that you are actively fishing, hook up, and loose the fish.

Me: So I see you have a beard.  How did that come about?
Seth: I wanted to be like Alex.

Me: So how did you get into saltwater fishing?
Seth: I saw you and how easy you made it look.  I thought that if I could fish half as well as you do, I would become elite in no time.

Me: So you live in Richmond, I bet you know how to catch Bass.  What techniques do you use?
Seth:  I thought the only way to catch a Bass was with a crankbait.

Me: Ive seen some of your projects.  You made a killer kayak trailer.  Would you consider yourself MacGyver, or MacGruber?
Seth: MacGruber all the way!

Seth has been on the team for the last two years, and we are glad to have him back (so he can drive Alex down to catch fish)!

Kamaron "KamO" Owens

What can I say about Kam?  Well, she is the second best fisherman on the team.  Kam is also the individual who, when the team is together, keeps us out of jail.  She keeps us from farting at the dinner table, bailing on the check, and is always ready with cash and the phone number of a good bail bondsman wherever we may be.  She is also the second most attractive person on the team.  For those of you bachelors out there, hold your horses she is taken.  I think she must have hit her head one day because her and the Rhinestone Cowboy are getting married this summer.  Definitely a downgrade on her part.

Me: So Kam, who caught the first Redfish, you or Seth?
Kam: You think Seth has caught a Redfish, ha!

Me: You are the responsible one in the group.  How do you stay responsible?
Kam: I drink a case of beer the night before a tournament.

Me: A case?
Kam: Yeah, I shotgun them, do you have a problem with that?

This is also Kam's second year on the team.  Besides posting bail, she adds class to an otherwise classless group of heathens.

William "Colorado Native" aka "Big Papa" Ragulsky

I could tell you all the great things about me, but it is very difficult to tell you my flaws (im sure I have some, but I dont know what they are).  In the sake of fairness, I have asked the rest of the team to interview me.  Their questions, and my responses are posted below.

Tommy: Do you own any of your own Bass lures?  
Me: Uh...

Alex: Do you ever catch a fish when we go out together?
Me: Uh...

Seth: I hate your life!
Me: Thats more of a statement.  

Kam: So, who has placed higher at the TKAA tournament, you or me?
Me: uh...

All:  So tell us about the time you turtled in Rudee.
Me: uh...

Ok, well now that you have met the team, follow us on Kayak Wars for the 2013 season.  The truth is that Tommy, Alex, Seth, and Kam are my favorite people to fish with.  All are great in their own right with their specific strengths.  Because if this, the friendships that have been created, the lightheartedness, and their skills that help make me a better fisherman, I know 2013 is going to be our best year yet.

Tommy is one of the best Bass fishermen that I know.  He has taught me the techniques for this area and because of him, I can now catch a few.  He is also a strong saltwater fisherman who can seem to pull a striped bass from any water.

Alex is the funniest person I have ever fished with.  When things are tough on the water he lightens the mood and seems to make the miserable situations the ones that can quickly become your favorites.  He can also fish!

Seth is one of my closest friends.  This guy is a sponge.  He can absorb anything he learns, and apply it to catch fish.  Species it has taken me years to learn, Seth can catch them on his first trip out.  Seth is a respected pro staffer for a kayak company, and a successful tournament angler.

Kam is one of the guys.  I dont ever feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her.  Just be prepared because she can zing them right back at you.  She is also an amazing fisherman, who generally catches better fish than anyone in the group.  To bring it all together, Kam always puts up great fish on tournament day, with a 3rd place finish at the TKAA tournament under her belt.

As for me, I feel that I am a good all around angler, but dont have the completeness that the four others have.  Im looking forward to cracking jokes, learning techniques, and becoming a better person in general.  And who knows, I might just let them post up my profile on the blog.  Thanks Kam, Seth, Alex, and Tommy for being a part of the team.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck this year!! I have my team again for this year, but we'll see how much I can participate. This year will be fresh water primarily for me but I hope to get that first sheepie later!!